flickchic
06-13-2006, 06:25 AM
As most of you are aware I recently had surgery and spent time in hospital on pain relief medication....pethadine injections and oral analgestics.....
I had a very uncomfortable experience whilst on the pethadine..paranoia to the max!!!...something I do not miss at all...I had to buzz the nurses each time I felt it wearing off and the pain became too great, however I absolutely hated the pressure that I felt that put me under....asking for drugs!!!....they would have to go and get a second nurse to check my id bracelet b4 injecting me each time and every time they did I swear I could hear them discussing me, discussing whether or not I really needed it or if it was simply because I am an addict!!!...I have been a clean user for 6 and half years now however as they say "once a junkie, always a junkie"....and i guess there had been much discussion with my d&a counsellor in the weeks prior to my op, to create an awareness of having drugs injected into my system again, and the possible pitfalls. Anyway I knew it was paranoia, but even knowing didn't cease it happening, over and over, I think now that may have been part of the reason "I lost it" when i did get out and the drugs had time to get out of my system the mental kicked the emotional rather hard. The amount of anesthetics probably caused a lot of imbalance too i would think, I was in surgery for and hour and half. My insecurities since Friday am have been over the top too...and whilst I know pmt had an effect there I also know now the drugs have been causing that. All the old niggles returned..insecurites of r/ship, self and the unkown in general...it's been a bad experience all round and has taken it's toll on me, I'll give you the tip. I guess I can only take it as a strong reinforcement of a lesson learnt a few years ago and stay clean!!!!....I guess I could also try and be a little more positive about "revisiting times gone" and see that I at least had an awareness of the paranoia, the mood swings and feelings of low self esteem and insecurities...I have been able to talk about them...it took a few days for me to really open up to Mark, but I did yesterday and I did manage to keep my mouth closed earlier in the day when I really felt like giving him an earfull...quite simply because I felt off!!....he was really good about it and let me spit it out and cry just cause i felt that i wanted to...so I guess I can see that I have learnt something else there too....much better to express honest feelings than cop out at those we love....i did own up that i was sick of trying to be brave and tough and & know that itwould all be ok...i just wanted to be unwell and express my pain.
I had a very uncomfortable experience whilst on the pethadine..paranoia to the max!!!...something I do not miss at all...I had to buzz the nurses each time I felt it wearing off and the pain became too great, however I absolutely hated the pressure that I felt that put me under....asking for drugs!!!....they would have to go and get a second nurse to check my id bracelet b4 injecting me each time and every time they did I swear I could hear them discussing me, discussing whether or not I really needed it or if it was simply because I am an addict!!!...I have been a clean user for 6 and half years now however as they say "once a junkie, always a junkie"....and i guess there had been much discussion with my d&a counsellor in the weeks prior to my op, to create an awareness of having drugs injected into my system again, and the possible pitfalls. Anyway I knew it was paranoia, but even knowing didn't cease it happening, over and over, I think now that may have been part of the reason "I lost it" when i did get out and the drugs had time to get out of my system the mental kicked the emotional rather hard. The amount of anesthetics probably caused a lot of imbalance too i would think, I was in surgery for and hour and half. My insecurities since Friday am have been over the top too...and whilst I know pmt had an effect there I also know now the drugs have been causing that. All the old niggles returned..insecurites of r/ship, self and the unkown in general...it's been a bad experience all round and has taken it's toll on me, I'll give you the tip. I guess I can only take it as a strong reinforcement of a lesson learnt a few years ago and stay clean!!!!....I guess I could also try and be a little more positive about "revisiting times gone" and see that I at least had an awareness of the paranoia, the mood swings and feelings of low self esteem and insecurities...I have been able to talk about them...it took a few days for me to really open up to Mark, but I did yesterday and I did manage to keep my mouth closed earlier in the day when I really felt like giving him an earfull...quite simply because I felt off!!....he was really good about it and let me spit it out and cry just cause i felt that i wanted to...so I guess I can see that I have learnt something else there too....much better to express honest feelings than cop out at those we love....i did own up that i was sick of trying to be brave and tough and & know that itwould all be ok...i just wanted to be unwell and express my pain.